Abandonment
by ermagedon
Summary: Remus Lupin is afraid that God has abandoned him. But he's also afraid that when he's friends know the truth about him, they will abandon him,too. First person, Remus Lupin. RL/SB JP/LE R:MA


A.N.- This will be a twelve part, stream of consciously written body of work that will explore how Remus and Sirius' relationship existed, evolved and yes, became eliminated. Seventh year to the end of the First Wizarding War. The first and last chapters are dark. But what makes a relationship beautiful is not only defined by the outcome, but by the story. And that's why we are writers.

Chapter I. - What Runs Thicker Than Blood

Sometimes the moon spat out clouds like poison; that was one of those nights. Before my mother got sick, she used to explain rain to me as god's tears. But god didn't cry for me anymore and the moon hated me as much as I hated her, and I hardly ever saw the sun- this is England, after all- and those clouds teased me; I couldn't feel the light or see it, but it lurked, it killed, it tormented me. Like a disease.

It was the first night that the moon blazed; it painted my skin silver and I felt translucent as I stumbled out around dawn, when I was free of my curse. I was supposed to wait for Madam Pomfrey- but I couldn't. I was vicious to myself- a cross between the confusion of an eleven year old, the unfamiliar environment and the development of a self-loathing that would become permanent with age- and I had inflicted a large slash against my rail of a chest.

I panted, the sun beat on my face. The sun never shone in England, but I thought, with my logical little brain that would never cease to amaze even me in its deterioration, that I could very well die, and if I did so, it was probably in god's plan and he was rejoicing over the thought of sparing the world of a monster like me. That's why the sun shone.

It was September, and I still knew no one and had no semblance of friends. It was the first time I had ever had a transformation that was outside of my basement. Even though my mother and father sat upstairs in their beds, terrified for their lives often I'm sure as most anyone would feel and I, well I shivered in the basement and howled and cried and wanted to die- they were still only a couple feet above, and they loved me, and that had made things better. Here, no one loved me. And here, no one could care about me.

I knew that I was very well going to die. Though the moon and it's silver reflection was gone, my skin was still grey and peaky, and the blood that was draining from my chest was certainly sticky, wet- like wine, like red wine that father drank-and I fell to my knees a few feet away from the whomping willow. I knew then I was going to meet god, and if mother didn't get better soon, she'd meet me there.

When my scrawny patella pounded the dirt, I let out a groan-the whole world, and god, oh god, my father- was against me. I closed my eyes, I couldn't go on further and I surrendered myself to the mercy of the earth.

"Oiy!" The wind moved through the leaves, and for September it was so hot- the sun was a broiler, and I was cooked, done. "Oiy! Hey, are you alright? Hey! JAMES! JAMES!" My name wasn't James.

"What's going on?!"

"JIM! It's a person! JIM, GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!" Soon, there was someone else on their knees and their hands went to my face, under my nose, to measure my breath- "Merlin, I think he's in our house. What's his name?!"

"Doesn't matter right now, Sirius. We've got to get help."

"We can't leave him out here, he's so pale. I think he's…I think he's bleeding out."

"I don't know any spells yet."

"We have to carry him. We can't leave him."

"What if we hurt him?"

"Well…it's either that or he's going to be food for owls and centaurs out here." Centaurs…Centaurs eat vegetables, I thought, but I was in no position to argue. They lifted me, one shoulder for each, more they dragged me as far as they could and occasionally I would hiss, never in protest but in pain. "This is useless, Jim. We're never going to make it. He's barely conscious. Go. GO! Run, get in there, and get Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore."

"Why me?" James asked, not so much in protest as much as confusion.

"Because. I'm stronger and taller so I can support him for longer, and you're shorter and skinnier, so you can run faster. Now, go." There was a moment of silence before I heard James feet smashing against the ground.

"Git." James muttered, and then I was left in the hands of this person, who continued, slowly but steadily lead me closer and closer to the mouth of the place Dumbledore had promised me would be amazing, welcoming, and warm. The boy kept glancing at me and I observed him through narrow eyes, slits they had become from fatigue and exhaustion.

"What's your name?" He asked. I blinked.

"Remus Lupin." I gave my answer.

"Lupin. You were sorted into Gryffindor, weren't you? I remember them calling your name." I nodded. It was all I could do. Every second brought a glimpse of darkness. "Well, my name is Black. Sirius Black. And we're housemates. So I promise you now mate- you're going to be okay. So just hang on." The darkness I saw then was eliminated by this boy named Black. Sirius Black. My first friend since before I was attacked. I nodded again. I was weak, but I held on to a concept and a promise.

"There! Down there! That's him and Sirius." Madam Pomfrey seemed to start.

"With Lupin?!" Dumbledore glanced at Madam Pomfrey, as if to tell her that to say little in this situation was wise, and then addressed James more carefully while marching towards Sirius Black and I, conjuring a stretcher silently at the same time he continued on a conversation.

"Where did you find him?" Dumbledore asked while Sirius, James and Madam Pomfrey lifted me onto the floating board.

"Albus, he's lost so much blood." Madam Pomfrey murmured, as she began to work. I felt what was left of the tee-shirt I managed to pull on be torn off and my chest was barren and there was a gasp, a collective gasp, like a chorus singing in one breath.

"We- we found him a few meters past that willow down on the grounds. The one that moves. Do you think- do you think he got in the way of the tree?"

"That tree is very dangerous. Only those who wish to suffer incredible pain are advised to approach that willow on the edge of the grounds. If that is indeed where you found Mr. Lupin, I'm sure there will be some sort of explanation for him. That doesn't explain why you two were down there."

"So it's true…the tree can attack…" Sirius said, drawingly slow, as if intimidated by the amount of magic the world could produce. He then shook his head and deemed it prudent to answer Dumbledore's question. "We…we wanted to see it for ourselves. It's Saturday morning, and we wanted to get a head start before the other students gathered." There were no more questions from the professor, and Madam Pomfrey stressed the importance of moving to the hospital wing. The bleeding she could stop, but blood replenishing potion was required in the most potent form possible. I was lucky, it seemed, to have been found, lucky to be alive. "When he's alright, would you let us know?" Sirius asked. James and him stood still, unwilling to take no as an answer. The loss of blood was finally beginning to sit in. My eyes flickered closed, but my consciousness lingered a moment longer- as if god wanted me to hear something more.

"I will, gentlemen. You should be proud of yourselves. Mr. Lupin is a very bright boy, much like yourselves, and I'm sure you will benefit from his friendship."

I felt rain against my face. The sun had stopped shining. God was no longer there- you're on your own, child. I'd been abandoned.

I breathed.

That was the first time I met Sirius Black and James Potter. Fortunately, most of our friendship has not continued in this manner- me being physically wounded and them acting heroically; it would have been insufferable had it been that way. Instead I had the joy of endangering them, aiding them, and praising them- they were Sirius and James, the ultimate friendship, and I was allowed to be their friend, too. The world rarely would ever see two people so much really brothers in heart, spirit and soul. Their relationship was beautiful. It was strange to think that I never envied it.

Sometimes, I told myself, that even when I first met Sirius Black I was struck by his quite ridiculously overbearing attractiveness. But I wasn't. I was eleven years old. I really wasn't sure what it meant to have friendship, let alone attraction. But I saw something in him that day that would often weave in and out of him- shining in moments where it became him the most but also leaving him at times when it was needed- compassion, feeling- a deepness of emotion that he only showed when he was most vulnerable and comfortable at the same time. I knew that Sirius Black would be a good man. That he was an empathetic boy, and would grow to be capable of having the best and steadiest heart of all. That stuck with me, and as I grew into myself and what I was- a lycanthrope, a homosexual- I realized that I loved him, wholly, completely.

This is my last year here. In this school, on these grounds, by this lake. I have no other time for reflection. There is a dark presence in this world- it eats at all of us every moment, of every day. Sometimes, we can numb it- sometimes we can move as we always have- laughing, cursing, dancing, drinking through life- but there is no solution. There is no hiding. After this year, my life will not belong to me. It will be to serve the greater purpose of man- the memory of my muggle mother, and my muggle family- and I have no other time. Nothing will be my own, not even my emotions because I must check them even more than I always have. Next year means war.

The banks of the lake are wet, but this is my most favorite place in the world. I curled my legs under themselves, and I sat. I read. Muggle literature. Poetry from the greats, the intellectuals. Words were so powerful. Dumbledore said during one feast that music was the truest magic in the world-but language, the simple magnetic power of language that draws us to love, to hurt, to fight…There was nothing more inherently mystical as words.

It wasn't too long that I was alone- soon, Sirius, James and Peter descended on me- late sleepers they now were on weekends, but their stomachs would occasionally wake them earlier than intended. When they reached me, Peter threw an orange at my head which I was not prepared for and it collided; the boys roared with laughter.

"Honestly, Moony. We could lose you forever to books if they had a vag." I smirked at the irony of the statement, but for the sake of conversations I was not willing to have, I didn't mention the difference in my taste in genitalia.

"A book with a vagina would be terrible. Paper isn't very useful when it gets wet." James said, as everyone laughed.

"I'm sure you know about that! You've got tissues everywhere. Since you no longer live in a dormitory with us, you've decided that the entire floor can be your garbage can, and with Evans right next door...That's disgusting, Jim." Sirius was always so blunt, but in most cases he presented his words with an undeniable amount of humor. I cracked a smile.

"Paper cuts are the worst though. Can you imagine one on your wand?" said Peter.

"Really, guys. This conversation is repulsive. Besides, a book says too much. And I prefer my women silent." And non-existent. Still, it was a sexist joke- they were always acceptable to that, and they hooted with such mirth I thought that it must be impossible that we were worried about Voldemort. Though women ruled the lives of James, Peter and Sirius, they were all helpless and lost without them.

"Moony, you are going to die an old bachelor. Probably much like Peter and myself. James…well, he's going to get married and have multiple babies. We will all be the world's worst uncles and we can finally explain, when young James Jr. is old enough, about vagina. That is if his mother won't shield his ears."

"Evans is coming. She looks like she's hell-bent on finding you." Peter scouted- that he was always good at. Peter…what was there really to say about Peter. I was James and Sirius' first charity case and he was the second. He was wonderful for encouraging their behavior and swelling their heads.

"Potter! Potter, I need you!" Sirius, Peter and I collectively bowed our heads. We swore to James that we would not do or say anything that could ruin his chances with Lily Evans. That meant we spent a lot of time in pensive silence in her presence. It was too easy. James almost made it worse on himself. I knew he was waiting to reply with something not-so-suave, like he had been waiting for those words forever, but he bit it back and approached her briskly as she ran towards him; something was clearly wrong. "Pot—James. David Develyn was cursed by Dolohov. I saw it with my own eyes from across the grounds, but he's hurt. Really hurt and I can't figure out what he did to him and Madam Pomfrey is on the way but I don't know where Dolohov went and we need to find him and Dumbledore is furious but he's at the ministry and can't be back and we have to handle it until he returns; McGonagall is with Develyn now she told me to get you and the prefects but I thought…I thought this would be faster…" Tears leaped to her eyes, and instantly, we all stood- James put his arm around her and she didn't protest, but she didn't sink into him either. Lily was strong- shaken, but amazingly alert.

"He's not going to flee the school, Evans. He can't." Sirius offered the words first. "He won't make it out and…well, I can trace the places that he might think to try to get out from. It was a stupid thing to do. He can't get out of this."

"He probably doesn't want to. He wants to brag about what he's done." James says. "Sirius can head to the passages we know of to head him off if he goes there." I saw him secretly pass our map in a standard hand-off, while he held Lily. "Meanwhile, I can go with…Peter. We'll head into the castle and go to the Slytherin common room and draw him out of there is that where it is. Remus, you should go with Lily. I think she can use someone as rational as you are with her now." I knew the ulterior motive of James. It was a wise call to make. If he remained with Lily, he would only be concerned with her. I could calm her down with much less emotions towards her.

"Lily, we'll get him- everything will be okay. There's nothing you could have done. Dolohov is a guy without a conscious, or a heart." James said.

"If I find him…" Sirius murmured. He always had the strongest sense of vengeance; Develyn was a Gryffindor sixth year.

"If you find him, you will stun him or bind him. Nothing more." James stressed, and Sirius nodded slowly, his teeth grinding against each other in fury. "Call me."

"How is he going to call you?" Lily asked. James glanced at her for a moment.

"Two way mirrors. Let's go, everyone." Everyone began to run in different directions, but James grabbed me by the wrist before I turned. "Please."

He meant, please keep her safe. Lily wasn't a baby. But James loved her so much. I nodded. It took me a few moments to convince Lily to move. Tears still sprang from her like they were painful to keep behind her almond eyes and lashes.

"Oh Lupin. Black went alone."

"He likes it that way, don't worry. He definitely wouldn't have wanted Peter."

"He wanted you." She said. Her words shook me and I almost shuddered, like a guitar string reverberated up my back. If only. "I want you." She said, softly, and I glanced at her with wide eyes before I withdrew them. I gulped, and she turned crimson, blending into her curly hair almost. I began to walk forward slowly, and she followed in my steps.

I'm not a naturally graceful or social man. It's a fault, but one I'm not afraid to state. I was awkward, of course I was; I was always popular, more because of who I associated with rather than based on any merit or quality of my own. I was book-smart, at times wiser than my friends, but I wasn't brilliant, or attractive, or anything more than plain- I exercised caution, and that made me seem more intelligent then I really was. I didn't understand. James Potter was a fine specimen. Handsome, young, bright- he had a deeper heart that at first seemed possible and above all else he believed in the strength and power of family, having grown up in one that was stable, loving and inviting. To James Potter, family was everything so much so his friends became part of this circle. Any woman in the world would be lucky to have James as a life partner because he was steady and true- and would give his life to protect his own family. Sure, he may have needed a little more maturing before he would be able to marry, but there was no question- no doubt in any of our minds. James Potter fully and completely loved Lily Evans. And it was for more than just her beauty- it was for her mind, her kindness, her gentleness. She was so smooth where James was roughed and unrefined. Lily had always thought James was below her but the sad part was that James always felt the same, too; maybe he didn't always act that way, but he believed that Lily was miles above him- an angel to his devil. Still, he loved her, even though she wouldn't return it. In many ways, I loved Lily too; I still do. Based off of my friend's inclination towards her all of his time at school, I often observed her. We were the closest out of our separate groups- often the mediators between them both- the ones who held the olive branch. And she was a beautiful, wonderful woman but therein lied the disaster and her flaw.

The thought that most immediately crossed my mind as I walked, eyes searching for Dolohov was that- James already knew. It was why he pushed me to go with Lily and not leave with Peter. She must have told him, but why, why, why in Merlin's name would she do that? Effectively, it must have shattered James' heart and if it didn't already, I had a sinking suspicion that it would morph his views on me. That he would come to despise me. I had never hated Lily more in my life then in those moments, when I was fuming at her for possibly breaking James heart and endangering my friendship with the very people who meant the most to me. If Sirius even suspected for a second that I had feelings for Lily, I knew what his reaction would be. Complete and total vengeance. He would see it as base betrayal. And I would lose him. He might as well have let me die that day, if he were to leave me now. There would be nothing worse than knowing kindness and elevation only to sink down to the same apathy that I seemed borne into- an apathy of existence.

"Remus?" Lily asked, quietly. "We've always been friends. We'll always be friends, right?"

"Yes, of course." I answered, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything else- to elaborate. We emerged from the wooded area of the grounds that wasn't off limits and the castle was in sight. I was under the impression that Lily was doing very little observing. In the corner of my eye, I saw someone descending from the steps- Peter. He came running and Lily froze, her eyes changing from emotional to steely and I think that it finally snapped in her head that it was not the time for romantic feelings. Her green gems steeled over as Peter stumbled to us, breathing fast. He raised his hand for a moment, tried to draw in as much air as he could but it was never enough as he gasped out-

"Sirius- Sirius got 'em. Hospital...wing, both of 'em. Pompoms..."

"Sirius?" I hissed. "He's in the hospital wing, as well?"

"I thought James told him- only to stun or bind-"

"Muggle-muggle fight. Sirius knocked him across the face, a few teeth-"

"Bloody idiot!" I swore. "So why is he there, then?"

"...slashed...like a sword..." I paled.

"No!" I shouted. I closed my eyes in fury, absolutely fury- I knew it would only be a matter of time- I had seen him use it before-"Snape must have taught Dolohov. It's his specialty, I'm sure you know that though." I bit at Lily, who looked affronted but then seemed to soften.

"I know the curse. It gave...it gave James that scar on his cheek. I was there. I know..."

"Is James there already, Peter?"

"Yeah, and The Potters are coming...Pomfrey keeps mentioning Mungos." That was about all I could take for conversation. I looked at Peter and began sprinting up the steps. I needed to see him. For a few moments, I honestly lost whether or not they were behind me, or in front of me, or around me- I didn't care, couldn't care, if either stepped in my way I wouldn't stop, I wouldn't no, no.

Remember when he found you, Remus, and the sun shone?

When I was a little boy, I feared what I didn't understand, naturally, and that meant that I dreaded when it began to rain, and thunder- after I was bitten, I scared myself more than anything else frightened me- but I still heeded it as an omen. The rain came then- as if to extinguish a fire on the Earth- and I would cower. The rain came then- and I through my head back to look into the grey sky- thankful that it wasn't black- and I shouted with everything in me a deplorable howl- a sound I could never produce again, even when I was in wolf formation- it emptied my lungs like broken accordions. I made it to the hospital wing, panting I went up to the door but Madam Pomfrey met me.

"Two at a time, Lupin."

"Who else is there?" I growled.

"Professor McGonagall, and Potter."

"JAMES!" I shouted and Pomfrey winced but she didn't rush to quiet me. James met me at the door, he looked weary and worn and I wondered for only a moment how it felt to be him.

"Rem, he looks-"

"Lily and Peter are right behind me. Stay with them." I murmured, pushing past both of them. James was out of my way, and now he had no choice. Brothers or not.

I wonder what it was like when they both saved my life. If the same knot that was in my stomach when I approached Sirius' bed; if they both felt disgusted at the sight of blood and their heads swirled with the thought that human life is so fragile and so weak. He looked almost the same as he always had. His hair was slightly damp- moist, probably from the strain and sweat that poured out of him during the fight and while he fought for his life. But it was still longer than most men's, miraculously neat at the ends for someone who maybe cut his hair once a month and drawing close to that point- and his jaw was still well-fined and his eyes were their normal size, unswollen, unbeaten. He looked like he always did, desperately handsome to me and untouchable, even then, when there was no one to stop me. McGonagall had stood up and was bustled in a corner with Pomfrey, discussing what they were going to have to do. If he had to be moved. They hadn't called for James, or Peter, or Lily. These were my moments. Fucking stupid git.

"Remus?" was the whisper, was the breath- I though I was hallucinating, for god's sake (but he wasn't here) but he soon repeated my name again. "Remus."

"It's me." I whispered back. The damn git smirked- weakly, but it scratched across his face.

"I heard you back there. Tricking James. I'm glad it's you. James will be mad at me."

"No, he won't, Padfoot. He's too concerned to say anything."

"Still. I'm glad it's you." His hand flickered for a moment and I thought to myself, what would a straight man do-still, I put my hand on top of his. It barely lasted a second, but I let him know. I was really here. "Your hand is cold." I withdrew. I made the wrong decision. But there was no other comment pertaining to that. "Tell them, I'm awake. And I'm not fucking leaving. I can't afford a hospital bill."

"Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall. Sirius is awake."

My moments ended, as they should. They weren't for me to have.


End file.
